Randal Sandal
Key Information/ Early Life and Education Randal Erwin Bukowski Sandal, born April 1984, was a British activist, writer, renowned surgeon, Jihadist and McDonald's worker whose movement brought about the abolition of the monarchy, as instructed by Chris Chreighton in 2035 AD. Randal was raised in Mearns Castle, on the outskirts of Glasgow, by his parents Cecelia and Bernard Sandal. Randal attended Mearns Castle High School between the years 1996-2002, after which he read Politics, Economics and Philpsophy and the University of Oxford- Randal graduated with a first class honours degree in Astronomy. The following year, he completed his PhD in Astronomy entitled: "The Planet Theory in Star Wars", which garnered significant attention from the scientific community and maximum credit from the university. Abandoning Astronomy in pursuit of literary flair A five year old Alexander Kintrea, who would one day become Randal's best friend, told him that his paper was simply, "Unrad and vehemently irrelevant", proceeding then to wipe his arse with the paper. Randal was forever changed, forced to abandon his astronomical merits and credentials and decided to begin what was to be an illustrious career as a children's author. As a Children's author, Randal published a series of three books drawing upon a rich tapestry of Sandal's own cultural and childhood identity and other wild fantasies- the series is named 'Animorphs and Mrs Curry's ban on Shandy'. Scholars and critics have hinted that the name alludes to the current headteacher of Battlefield Primary school's imposed ban on the Barr soft drink due to it containing 0.001% alcohol, though the name is widely accepted, even by Randal's standards, to be rather obscure and dubious. However, despite many of Randal's critics reservations regarding the title of the trio of books, Randal was appointed Children's Laureate of the United Kingdom in 2016 and will continue to hold the appointment until such time as Michael Rosen unfossilizes. Shirley Samosa It is suggested in one of the prized Sandalic Scrolls that Randal's very existence could be attributed to his soulmate, Shirley Samosa. The passage reads: "The sensation and myth that we know as Randal Sandal was borne out of the fragments of his most resolute counterpart- Randal owes himself and that which he holds dear to the forbearance of Shirley Samosa. Without her there could be no Randal, without Randal there could be no world." '' - Sandalic Scroll 4, Article 23 ,Sacred Scrolls If Sandalic Scroll 4 is any indication, Shirley Samosa is an incredibly important part of the life of Randal Sandal. One simply cannot hope to understand Randal without at least a background knowledge of '''The Samosa Effect' and Shirley herself. Randal first met Shirley when he was just a boy. Randal's parents knew Shirley's parents well as Bernard had previously dated Shirley's mother, Theresa. A love that was realised in their childhood blossomed into something far more sensuous by the pair's late teens, engaging in sexual frivolities just after reaching the age of consent. Since their initial kinky dabbling, they've gone at it every week. Literary Style The writings of Randal Sandal have been noted for their sesquipadelian loquaciousness and preoccupation with the ennui of the universe which is reflected in his style: "Curry stared almost psychedelically into the bowl of shitty soup, unmoved by Ms. Fox's attempts to dissuade her from removing Grade C meat grindings from the School Cafeteria menu. "So What?", she barked lightly at Fox, "The presence of horse meat in the patte compound is not the issue", she finished. "Then what is?", retorted Fox. Curry took a moment to admire the soup, the making of which she had had a hand in. A cockroach floated to the top, Curry grimaced, but was aware that there were more important matters to attend to. Not a semblance of doubt existed in Curry's mind; not even a slither of residual antithesis. She knew, after some soul searching, that she had to put an end to the shandy. For she knew what it could do- she had seen the threat it so menacingly poses, and she wasn't going to let anyone or anything else endure it. She raised her mottled dome to gawk at the patrons of the dinner hall. One of them caught her eye; a boy, insipid to the untrained eye, but not to Curry. He sat comfortably on the psuedo-occidental steel bench, forcing down a can- chugging the liquid, holding his breath to hasten the quenching of his thirst: thirst that Curry knew was neither for knowledge nor liquid, but for violence and demagoguery induced no doubt by the unremarkable alcohol content of his beverage. The decision had already been made. Curry swept in to her office, brandished her favoured left-handed quill and marked her credentials on the executive decree which had the immediate effect of banning all Barr cans of Shandy from the premises- indefinitely, bringing to an abrupt conclusion, the age of sweetness" Randalic trivia - Randal's yearbook quote reads: "To achieve immortality, one first must have a wikia"- these words are considered by scholars to be prescient. - Randal Sandal has participated in over 13 conflicts, four of which have been on a galactic scale. -Randal possesses the ability to transcend dimensional and chrornological boundaries, manifesting throughout human history and seemingly future events. See Second Randalic Canon Second Randalic Canon THE BOLD YEARS Following Sandal's successful careers in the fields of science and literature, he moved on to the period now commonly referred to as "The Bold Years" in which he pursued an intergalactic jihad against the people of Clom, working with the Wonderful Brotherhood (Oh, they were bold!) in order to establish a Sandalicious Caliphate. Though he went through many trials and tribulations at this time, Sandal remained strong, soon taking up residence in the colonial town of Salem in Massachusetts, Clom in 1692. He ran a thrifty business in the Barbados but had changed career path once again and was quickly frocked up as Minister of the Parish. Soon after his arrival the Salem Bitch Trials began, and Sandal and his new Caliphate began executing bitches left, right and centre. But one escaped. Sandal soon returned to earth in hot pursuit, tracking her to one of the finest eateries in Western Europe, where chips were eaten from the fingernail, and not from the fork. Sandal killed her after a long and greasy battle but when he returned to Clom, his Wonderful Brotherhood had been either scattered or killed- many absorbed by the natives. This marked the end of the Bold Years.